The Dead Moogle Sketch
by Chris Bailey
Summary: Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch, redone for FF8...enjoy!


The Dead Moogle Sketch  ****

A Petshop somewhere in Timber

*Squall enters carrying a cage with a dead moogle inside. Seifer is crouching behind the counter*

Hello, I wish to register a complaint. Hello, miss? What you mean, Miss? I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. Sorry, we're closing for lunch. Never mind that my lad, I wish to make a complaint about this moogle what I purchased not 'alf an 'our ago from this very boutique. Oh yes, the forest moogle, what's wrong with it? I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what wrong with it. No, no, it's resting, look. Look my lad, I know a dead moogle when I see one and I'm looking at one right now *holds up cage* No, no, it's not dead, it's resting. Resting? Yeah. Remarkable moogle isn't it? Lovely fur. The fur don't enter into it. It's stone dead. No, no, it's resting Alright then. If it's resting I'll wake it up. *Holds cage up to his face* HELLO MOGGY!!! I GOT a NICE KUPO NUT FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP MOGGY MOOGLE!!! *Hits the cage* There, it moved. No it didn't! That was you pushing the cage! I did not! Yes you did! *Takes the dead moogle out of the cage and yells in it's face* HELLO MOGGY!!! MOOO-GGY!!! *Hits the moogle on the counter repeatedly* MOGGY MOOGLE!!! WAKE UP!!!! *Hits it again* WAKE UP!!!! *Tosses it up into the air and they both watch it fall straight down to the floor* Now that's what I call a dead moogle. Oh no, it's stunned. Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That moogle is definitely deceased. And when I bought is not 'alf an 'our ago, you assured me that it's lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk. It's gonna be pining for the forests! Pining for the forests, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on it's back the moment I got it 'ome? The forest moogle prefers kipping on it's back! It's a beautiful moogle, lovely fur. Look, I took the liberty of examining that moogle. And I discovered that the only reason it 'ad been sittin' on it's perch in the first place was that it 'ad been nailed there. Of course it was nailed there, otherwise it would have muscled up to those bars and BOOM!!! Look matey, *picks up the parrot* This moogle wouldn't move if I put 4, 000 volts through it. It's bleedin' demised. It's not!! It's...it's pining! It's not pining, it's passed on! This moogle is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! This is a late moogle!! It's a stiff! bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you 'adn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushin' up the daises! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-moogle!!!! Well I'd better replace it then. *Ducks behind the counter* *Turns to the camera* If you want to get anything done in this country, you have to complain until you're blue in the mouth. 

*Seifer returns*

Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots. I see, I see, I get the picture. I've got a slug. Does it talk? Not really, no. Well it's scarcely a replacement then is it? Listen, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. If you go to by brother's pet shop in Galbadia, he'll replace your moogle for you. *Gives Squall a note* Galbadia eh? Yeah. Alright. *Leaves* ****

A similar petshop in Galbadia

*Squall enters. Seifer is again stood behind the counter, this time wearing a bad fake mustache. Squall looks around, confused, before picking up his cage from the floor. It is exactly the same shop.*

Er...excuse me? This is Galabdia, isn't it? No, no, it's er, Trabia. *turns to the camrea* That's Galbadia rail for you. *Leaves* 

** Rail Station **

*Squall walks up to the railway complaints desk. Zell is standing behind it dressed in a rail uniform.*

I wish to make a complaint. I don't have to do this you know!! *Look around, very confused* I beg your pardon? I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this 'cos I like being me own boss! Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant isn't it? Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these sketches out for this long. Well I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Galbadia train and found myself deposited here in Trabia. Naw, this IS Galbadia. *Turns to the camera, shocked.* The pet shop owner's brother was lyin' Well you can't blame Galbadia rail for that, heheh. If this is Galbadia, I shall return to the petshop. ****

A little later limited.

*Squall enters the petshop yet again. Seifer is ducking behind the desk*

I understand that this IS Bolton. *Gets up, still wearing the fake mustache* Yeah? But you told me it was Trabia. It was a pun. A pun? No, no, not a pun. What's the other thing, that reads the same backwards as forwards? *Now very confused* A palindrome? Yeah, yeah. It's not a palindrome, the palindrome of Galbadia would be Aidablag. It don't work. Look, what do you want? No, I'm sorry. I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly. 

*Quistis barges in wearing a SeeD uniform*

Quite agreed, quite agreed, silly, silly, silly. Right, get on with it. Get on with it!!! ****

END


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